home > interesting watchtower topics > experiences > won't tolerate homophobia

Why I won’t tolerate homophobia and you shouldn’t either

I want to share what homophobia has done to me, and why I have zero tolerance for it. I know this is a long post, but it’s a very personal and important one.

I was raised to believe that the Bible was a book written by God, to tell us how to live and that the Jehovah’s Witness religion was the ONLY religion that could truly understand it. They were the ultimate authority. I was taught to be obedient to what they said as it was the “truth.” From Early in my life, I saw dramatic depictions of the devastating consequences of failing to be obedient to the Jehovah’s Witnesses - images of drunkenness, crime and violence, and debauchery. The message was frequently repeated and we literally believed that this is how all non-believers lived their life. We had no contradictory information because we weren’t permitted to consume external information.

My dad was raised as a JW. My mother was raised a catholic but converted after meeting my dad at age 18. They sincerely wanted to give us children “the best life” possible, and since they truly believed the Bible is the world of god and the Jehovah’s Witnesses were god’s people, they closely adhered to the instructions they gave them. God, the Bible and the Jehovah’s Witnesses were the highest authority. Mum and Dad made sure to take us to every meeting - Tuesday nights, Thursday Nights and Sundays. They made sure we preached door-to-door every Saturday. We never celebrated holidays or birthdays, and we did not associate with non-believers. Even non-believing family members were kept at a distance because we were taught they would act like agents of Satan and try to pull us away from the religion. (I’m shaking my head as I write this, how did we not see that for the manipulation it is?)

The point is, that we were separate from anyone who thought differently from us, and that is a dangerous thing. Nothing challenged our beliefs and we couldn’t get support outside of that cult.

As a young child in kindergarten, I remember realizing one day that I was friends with the girls in my class. The boys didn’t bother with me much and I felt like I didn’t have anything in common with them. I never thought much of it, why would a 6-year-old boy think deeply about that? But, I do remember noticing that I was different.

This continued as I grew older and then others started noticing too. I started getting bullied for it. When I was 12 years old, my family moved to a new town and I started attending a new school. I remember thinking, I’m going to fix whatever is wrong with me and make sure that I am only friends with the boys. So for that whole school year, I spent my time trying to fit in with the other boys. I had never felt more lonely in my life. I had nothing in common. I couldn’t relate to them. And I also became aware that I was attracted to boys.

During that year, I noticed another boy, who was friends with a group of girls and was outwardly effeminate. He was obviously gay. I saw that kid get constantly bullied for being gay. He wasn’t even old enough to have the language or the understanding of what he was, and yet he was being persecuted for it. As I went into my first year of high school, age 13, I became acutely aware that I was going to be faced with a similar experience if anyone ever found out that I was also gay. What did I do?

I turned, not to my parents, not school friends, or a teacher, I turned to my religion since it occupied the most trusted position in my life. I researched every single thing they had ever written about homosexuality and read it all. It was not good, in fact it was devastating. In those texts, they described me as dirty, disgusting, sinful, abhorrent, unnatural and worthy of death. They said that such a person would not inherit the kingdom of God. As a 13-year-old child, to learn from such a trusted authority that I was inherently so disgusting and bad, broke my heart. I never stopped to question whether what was said was accurate, why would I? I was taught not to question and to trust the Jehovah’s Witnesses implicitly, my very life depended on it.

This is when my long battle with depression and anxiety began. I kept reading, searching for something to help me and I thought I found some hope in a book that the Jehovah’s Witnesses published and distributed to the several million kids and teenagers in that cult. It was called “Questions Young People Ask, Answers that Work”. In this book, I was informed that being homosexual was a choice, and that I would likely grow out of it after puberty, BUT I must never act on it and must pray continuously for forgiveness and help. I didn’t know that I was being lied to, I took it as truth and it did major damage.

I thought a lot about what I had just read. I concluded that since I was 13 years old, I would just have to be perfect until I was past puberty. If I could just get to 20 without giving in to this evil thing, I would be ok. So I started protecting myself from anything I thought would endanger me. I convinced my parents to take me out of school and I completed the final 4 years of high school education at home on my own. My reasoning was if I was not around other people how could I do “the wrong thing”? I wish I had never done that. It was so lonely and isolating. It caused me to develop social anxiety, deeper depression, low self-esteem and I spent far too much time ruminating on psychologically damaging thoughts (aka spiritual food).

During this time, I would frequently hear people in my congregation and my family make homophobic comments and jokes. I realized that I wasn’t safe around anyone and I found it frightening to know that this is what people would think of me too if only they knew my truth. I tried harder to appear heteronormative. I people pleased a lot because happy people are less threatening. I would quickly shift the focus in conversation away from me because I didn’t want people to ask me too many questions and figure me out. I avoided having close friends, it was just too risky. And all the while I felt worthless, because no matter how much I prayed, read the Bible, attended meetings, preached, or volunteered, nothing had changed inside me.

When I was 23, I realized that puberty was over and I was still gay, what I was told in that book was not true. I had a mental breakdown. I went through weeks of suicidal ideation as I came to terms with the permanency of my situation. I realized that because I was gay, and it didn’t go away, I was hated by god, many of the people in my life and I did not qualify for everlasting life. It was crushing. My mental health was in a terrible state and I did not talk to anyone about it. My mum would ask “What’s wrong, what’s going on?” and I couldn’t tell her, I didn’t think I could trust her. A gulf started to open up between me and my family.

I debated with myself if I should see a psychologist, but even that was difficult to decide to do because my religion had taught that psychologists were dangerous, they had ‘satanic ideas’ that went contrary to what the witnesses taught so going to see one was a dangerous thing to do. Eventually, I started having sessions with a psychologist because I had no alternative. I’m glad I did because she saved my life - literally. She administered psychological first aid and educated me on how depression and anxiety worked and how to manage them. I DID NOT tell her anything about the source of my depression and anxiety. Why? Because I was afraid of making the religion look bad - I was first and foremost a representative of that religion and anything I said or did could bring reproach to the organization and god, so I kept things vague.

After getting through the suicidal episodes and being more in control of my anxiety and depression, I prayed to god and thanked him for getting me through that tough time. I prayed to god and promised that I would do whatever I could to live up to his expectations and signed up to spend 70 hours a month preaching. I did that for two years and my mental health declined considerably. During that time I tried my best to be there to help others with whatever they needed - mowing their lawns, visiting sick and elderly, bible studies, driving people to appointments, giving talks, cleaning the Kingdom Hall - you name it, I did it, and with the best of intentions. It was never enough though. The elders of the congregation would give me more and more to do, and anytime I said I couldn’t they would question me and guilt me until I gave in and did what they wanted.

By the time that 2 year period ended, I was in a worse situation than I was when I started. I had less time, less money, less flexibility, worse depression, worse anxiety, and was more hopeless. I debated for months about quitting the 70-hour preaching commitment because I was afraid that I was failing to do everything in my power to make up for being gay. I quit. And I went to bed and barely left the house for months. Other than my parents, nobody cared. Nobody called to see how I was, no one texted to see if I was ok. My “loving, god fearing” community was not interested in acting, their words rang hollow.

I started visiting my psychologist again for several months and started discussing some of the social impacts I had experienced, and she started teaching me how to set and enforce boundaries. I realized that in that community, I was a resource, not a person. I struggled to accept that, but it was true. And I couldn’t figure out why I existed. If god created me, but he hates what I am, why bother creating me? If god is love, then why hate me? If god is all-powerful, then why not change me? Why force me to endure a situation that I have no control over? And when did I decide that I wanted to be gay? I had spent my entire life trying not to be! What was I supposed to do in my old age? Was I supposed to accept being alone - unable to be loved, to be close to anyone? Was I supposed to remain isolated because I couldn’t trust the people around me with who I really am? These and many other questions swirled in my head for about 5 years. During this time I got a job that provided stability and a small community of people that eventually became my friends. It was the first time people showed me that they liked me for me and valued my contribution. It was also nice to be in an environment where I knew homophobia would be stamped out, because it’s illegal to discriminate in the workplace.

I started distancing myself from the Jehovah’s Witnesses and as I did, my mental health continued to improve. With enough distance, I realized that what the Witnesses teach is unhealthy, for everyone, but especially me. For the first time in my life I looked forward to my future because without that cult, I would no longer be held back. I went back to my psychologist and told her the truth - I’m gay. She said, “ahh, now that makes sense, you’ve been through a lot!” I started coming out to my work friends who welcomed me with open arms and showed up for me. I eventually came out to my parents fully expecting them to disown me, but to my pleasant surprise, they embraced me. I had to talk to them patiently to help them understand, but the point is, they listened. They loved me enough to listen, and once they understood my experience, they realized that what they had believed their whole lives was wrong, and they changed what they believed. They both apologized for the homophobic things they had said over the years, and I forgave them instantly…. When you know better you do better, and they did better.

I also came out to my sister and she and her husband have chosen homophobia and they no longer talk to me or my parents. They chose homophobia over family.

My whole life has been shaped by homophobia, and it has caused a lot of trauma and suffering. I should never have allowed other people’s homophobia to shape my life. I should have stood up for myself earlier, but when my whole reality was shaped by the homophobic teachings, environment, and people that I was surrounded by, I didn’t think I was allowed to. I DO NOT think that anymore. My husband and I are enduring homophobia EVERYDAY and it is triggering, but it WILL NOT stop us from having a loving relationship and a happy home. We deserve peace and happiness too and I will not accept anything less.

If you're okay with homophobia, then I am not okay with you. I have no interest in tolerating your beliefs, your opinions, or your presence in my life. I don't need that hate, I won't accept it. Consider yourself cut out, like the malignant cancer you are.

If that seems harsh, you still don't fully grasp the trauma of lifelong homophobia. Re-read my story and try to truly imagine living under constant threat just for being yourself. The self-loathing bred by religious dogma. The hypervigilance in public. The dehumanizing jokes. The alienation from even your own community.

Once you understand the deep pain homophobia causes, do better. Show me change, show me empathy, show me support.

I will not tolerate homophobia for me, or people like me. I will not tolerate homophobia because every child deserves to be loved and accepted as they are. No child should have to grow up in a hostile environment, forced to hide who they are because they aren’t physically or emotionally safe to be themselves. I don’t want a world like that and you shouldn’t either.

Originally published April 2024

   Paul Grundy  2005 - 2024